bad morning.

Woke up in a funk this morning. Was having the sweetest of dreams that brought back some guilt that I've been trying to deal with for a few years now. It's more so the "what if's" that are the killer.


I just need to wake up a bit more. Last night, I was really needing my puppy. She always helps me sleep and gives kisses at the right moment. She's such a crazy goof. I miss squeezing her so hard and snuggling with her under my blanket (she's the only other person who will go near it besides me.) Hoping that I will be able to see her soon and take her for a W-A-L-K. 




Been doing some reflecting. Then I ruin it by assuming. I need to stop, take a deep breath and let it be. I know I can get over this selfishness, and believe me, I already have started. Feeling very anxious about therapy and everything I'll learn.
Lesson #2: Don't strive to make others happy because it makes you happy. Do it because it makes them happy. 


"I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed." Dalai Lama

Mom to the rescue.

Since my last post, I had another mini breakdown/sobfest. Mom sat there and listened to it all. She didn't talk much and I'm assuming it's because she started to cry (I heard her sniffling.) I know this must be really hard on her too, and can only imagine that she feels partly responsible. It's tough for her to see me struggle, this, she's told me numerous times. 


Sobfest: over. We played Monopoly, Wii, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I can't say it was a great night, but it kept me from moping and thinking. And that is a successful one. I needed the mental break.


And now, at 1:00 am, I can barely keep my eyes open. Another day down, another one to face.


Tomorrow, what will you bring me?


"Decide if you’re a Tigger or an Eyeore." Dr. Randy Pausch

Letting it out.

6 hours since I made this blog and already onto post number 3. I still have a whole evening ahead of me. These days just seem to drag on when all I want to do is move onto the next.


My mom just came into my room with a Valentine's bag of goodies for her boyfriend. Before she got one word out, I burst into tears.


It makes me so angry that through all of this, I never thought of anyone but myself. I hurt the person I love most in this world. And what does he do? He says, "I know you're sorry, I have faith you'll change, we're still friends."


That's exactly the type of person he is. The most considerate, affectionate, and optimistic person I have ever met. And I hurt him more than I'll ever be able to comprehend.


Even if he's never able to love me the same way again, I will show him, I can be that person he can depend on again.


Just booked: double doses of therapy every week starting next week. I'm determined to kick these bad habits. I will learn how to manage these feelings and find new ways to cope with my anxiety.


I don't want to disappoint him any more than I have. And I won't.

Almost immediately after post my first entry, I got a handful of messages from some wonderful people. Let me tell you, I sat here and cried through every one of them.


I always used to say, "But you don't understand." or "No one understands." Well, It's starting to hit me, no one understood because I never gave them the opportunity to. How are they going to understand if I don't explain? Lesson #1: Stop assuming, and start talking.


So thank you for those wonderful messages. This is already proving to be way more effective than I imagined.

Life throws you curves, and you learn to swerve. Me? I swung and I missed.

Let me just start off with this: I hate writing. That's not to say I'm not capable of being good at it. It just doesn't interest me.


With that being said, naturally, I have started this blog. Please be aware that at times this may look like rambling nonsense, but that is essentially what it is. Those times at night when my mind is running crazy, I need to get it out. And I think being able to share it will help. In addition to this, I have again joined Facebook. I'm not sure how long it will last, but being connected helps me to not feel so alone. It will be very limited- I am deleting many, many of the pictures, as long with a few hundred friends. Those who remain: Brothers, Sisters, a few networking people and the only friends I feel I have. Granted, there are a few I would love to get rid of but for now, I would rather avoid the argument.


Restructuring my life is not going to be easy. In the past, I have always tried and gradually gave up. Which leads me to then continuously lie to myself and those around me. Eventually, all of the overwhelming feelings creep back in until I explode. Back at square one. The journey and struggle is about me, but the goal and motivation is about you, the ones reading this. Anyone can be satisfied with themselves, but you guys are what make me happy. I want to do this for you. Hurting you and pushing you away is no longer OK with me.  My life and actions affect many of you, and I want the affect to be a positive one.


I am happiest when I can make those around me happy.


One of my biggest problems: Negativity. I have never realized how negative I am until recently. This is not to say I won't have bad days, but the woe is me crap has got to stop. As my friends, I am asking you to help me. If you see the negativity. call me out on it. Sometimes we're not really aware of the things we do, say, or how we act until we're told. Remember, I will have bad days so try not to confuse the two. Feed back helps, the hardest part is being able to listen to it.


In addition to calling me out, if you have any encouragements, words of wisdom, quotes, song, lyrics, "Hey keep up the good work!" I would appreciate it. Positive reinforcement is always welcome and would let me know I am on track.


This isn't about making sure I write everyday or detailing every event in my life. It's to allow me to get out those feelings that are stuck, and knowing that people can hear me helps.


"I’ve never understood pity and self-pity as an emotion. We have a finite amount of time. Whether short or long, it doesn’t matter. Life is to be lived." Dr. Randy Pausch